When Ikari visited my apartment
by Tatterdelimon
Summary: A silly little fic about Rei, Shinji and the insane machinations of Ritsuko as she tries to get revenge on Gendo


Ritsuko was pissed, not the fun 'happy drunk pissed' either but the "I hate Ikari the lying bastard how dare he treat me this way!" kinda pissed. The commander hadn't been happy with their performance in capturing the 8th angel and so had taken out his displeasure on her in their little 'get togethers' as he always did. Thus, here she was sitting in her office, slowly fermenting in her own rage. The last thing she needed was an interruption of her brooding time, least of all by the Commander's little blue-haired bitch!

If you concentrate real hard, I think that you might be able to guess who came knocking.

"Who is it!" Any other person would have been able to discern from her tone that Ritsuko was in a foul mood and thus best avoided. But Rei Ayanami, being Rei Ayanami, calmly walked in oblivious to her steadily rising chances of death by irate scientist.

"Are you busy, Dr Akagi?"

"Oh no, Rei, why would I be busy? I'm only the head scientist of the E project. What on earth could I be doing?" Once again any other person would have wisely retreated, an angry Ritsuko was bad, and angry sarcastic one was far, far worse. A sarcastic Ritsuko was not far of from using irony. But once again Rei proved that either she lacked a survival instinct or was impervious to sarcasm. And that's what really annoyed Ritsuko, she had always believed that Rei was not, as most believed, as ignorant as she appeared regarding such things, but merely acted this way to get what she wanted.

"That is good. I have a question for you."

After repressing her mounting urge to strangle the child, Ritsuko decided to follow the path of least resistance: give her what she wants and hope she goes away.  
So she put on a overly sweet voice and replied in honeyed tones before taking a sip of her coffee (dealing with Rei at any time required caffeine) and shuddering slightly as the welcoming caffeine rush started.

"And what might that be?"

"I wish to discuss what a sexual relationship consists of."

Ritsuko choked on her coffee. Rei calmly observed the doctor's choking and hacking, if the sight of the woman who could charitably be called her mother in such distress affected her, she didn't show it, Rei was funny like that. When Ritsuko finally surfaced from her shock she managed to reply, "What makes you ask that Rei?" Rei's response was immediate and utterly unexpected.

"When Ikari visited my apartment, he placed his hand upon my breast."

'Wow, I never thought that Shinji had it in him,' thought Ritsuko, her opinion of Shinji was that he was a wuss, a polite well mannered wuss, but a wuss nonetheless.

"And I have since observed Ryouji Kaji doing the same thing to Major Katsuragi; he has also laid himself on the major when they were both in curious states of undress, as Shinji also did to me. At first I thought nothing of it, considering it a mere accident, but with this new information I am unsure as to Ikari's intent."

To say that Ritsuko was shocked would be an understatement, not only was there the fact that Rei had said more in these last five minutes then she had said all year, but this news about Shinji… He didn't seem the type to force himself upon Rei, 'Hell, if she'd offered he'd more likely run for the hills,' mused Ritsuko, yet she seemed interested. That was the only way to justify her asking her and not the commander; even Rei knew that Gendo would quash such thoughts in his 'doll'.

'It would be a real blow to the commander if Rei and Shinji were to start dating' mused Ritsuko. Just the thought of Gendo's reaction to the news of Rei and Shinji sleeping together brought a smile to her face. An evil smile mind you, but a smile nonetheless. Ritsuko was reminded of the old adage "You think you're down, and then you're right back up again." It wasn't everyday that revenge waltzed right up to your office in a school uniform after all. "Maybe you should ask Shinji, are you interested in pursuing such a relationship?"

Rei paused, a slight colouring of her cheeks telling all Ritsuko she needed to know, Rei was actually attracted to Shinji! Hmm…how to set about nurturing this? Gendo would likely stamp it out as soon as possible, so it would have to be kept quite and done in a way that meant Rei was unlikely to inform the commander and/or stop on his request.  
As she mused, Ritsuko's eyes subconsciously scanned the shelves of the infirmary/office, and then it hit her, Rei or Shinji on their own most likely wouldn't act, not before the commander took 'steps' anyway, but maybe with a little 'help.  
A plan began to manifest in the twisted avenues of Ritsuko's little mad-scientist brain as she ran through her options:

1: Tell Rei to ignore her feelings and act as normal Verdict: Safe, but boring 2: Give Rei romantic advice Verdict: Advice from a woman sleeping with a man that treated her colder then an freezer on Ganymede? Maybe Misato could help…  
3: Drug Rei and Shinji so badly that they couldn't keep their hands of each other.  
Verdict: major possibilities, combined with option 2 Ritsuko would get Rei and Shinji together, get her revenge on Gendo and most importantly; watch the fun.

"Ok Rei, as I see it you obviously find the idea of a relationship with Shinji intriguing correct"  
Her heart soared as Rei's slight blush grew more pronounced "You embarrass me."

'Strike one!'

"Now as for starting this relationship I suggest you talk to major Katsuragi, but I can help you 'open up' if you want…"

"What do you mean"  
"Oh never mind Rei, for advice on Shinji I suggest that you talk to the major.  
Oh and since you're here why don't we get your shots out of the way?"

As Rei sat silently she paid close attention to Akagi's face, the far away expression of glee so unlike the usually dour Dr disturbed Rei greatly, but she was committed now. And no Dr, insane smile or not, would come between her and her path of discovery.

Rei found Major Katsuragi in her office drinking coffee by the gallon. Noting how 'busy' her superior was, Rei stood before her desk waiting, patient as a rock. Absently Misato looked up from her coffee straight into the scarlet eyes of Rei, causing her to jump back in shock.  
"Hello Major Katsuragi"  
'Damn! that girls quiet… still best see what she wants so I can get back to work'  
"Yes Rei? Did you want something?" said Misato as she paused, her cup to her lips

"Yes major."

"Okay…what is it?" asked Misato, taking a swig from her mug.

"I would like to know how to please Shinji sexually."

GAACK!

Rei watched passively as Misato fell backwards out of her chair, choking and spluttering.  
"Do you require assistance Major"  
Still spluttering slightly Misato pulled herself upright using her desk as a support; surely she hadn't heard what she'd thought?  
"C-could you p-please repeat that Rei?"

"I require your advice on a relationship with Ikari." Rei reiterated patiently. Not quite what she had asked, but Rei felt that a toned down request might yield better results, and judging from the major's reaction, less fatalities.

"Why ask me?"

"You are his guardian, you should know most about him, his likes, his dislikes."

"Ok…" Misato was slightly taken aback at the amount of thought Rei had put into this

"Dr Akagi also mentioned something about a promise of yours, and 'seduction' regarding Ikari"  
Again Misato found herself choking with indignation 'Damn Ritsuko!' that was just a joke!

"I don't have a clue what you're talking about Rei. But what's with this sudden interest in Shinji?"

"…."

"Ah, embarrassed are we? Well, I can understand that but what is it exactly that you want to know?"

"I… I wish to know how to approach Ikari. He finds conversation... difficult."

"Hmmm." Misato made a metal note to watch Shinji and Rei more closely from now on, this promised to be…interesting.  
Her maternal side was both happy and suspicious about this new side of Rei, Shinji could use a girlfriend and it was good that Rei was coming out of her shell. But what had prompted this sudden interest? From what Misato had been able her potted plants (even the dead ones) lead a more active social life then Rei "Tell you what Rei, why don't you come over for dinner tonight? I'm sure Shinji would like that"  
Rei was silent, even she had heard of the horror that the major called 'cooking'. Her culinary incompetence was the stuff of NERV legend and there was the not inconsiderable matter of the second child. Rei did not hate Asuka, or at least not in the conventional sense, but it was no secret the two did not get on. Yet it would allow her to talk to Shinji, Dr Akagi had said that that was the correct way to proceed.

Apparently having read her mind Misato continued "Don't worry, Asuka's going out tonight and I promise to make pen-pen behave on one condition."

Whilst Rei had never heard of Misato's pet penguin causing any trouble it was unwise to take chances in such an important endeavour.  
"What is the condition?"

"You wear something other then your plugsuit or that tatty school uniform"  
To Misato's surprise, Rei's blank face actually fell.  
"…I possess no other clothes"  
It was true, the only clothes Rei possessed were her plugsuit, school uniform and some underwear. It was all that she had required up to now.  
Looking at the dejected girl (who'd have thought Rei could be dejected?) Misato made her decision.  
"Well we'll have to do something about that won't we? Can't woo Shinji-kun in rags, I won't allow it"  
And seizing Rei's unresisting hand she pulled the young girl from the room and onto the wonders of clothes shopping.

Shinji Ikari was bored. Shinji Ikari was unusual, insofar as bored was his preferred state. It meant that Asuka wasn't yelling at him, his father wasn't being quiet at him and he wasn't being loaded into an eighty-foot-tall death machine run by a mile long extension cord.  
Instead, he was sitting in his chair at Tokyo 3 high-school. Feeling his brains slowly dribble out of his ears as the Sensei continued the same 2nd impact lecture he'd been using since 2010. Life was good. Unfortunately for the young Ikari, a happy and quiet life for him was against some fundamental universal law, so Shinji was enjoying himself before the universe realised what was going on and stared hurting him again.

A half-hearted glance out of the window revealed the complete absence of Rei Ayanami, it wasn't like she attended school often but neither Shinji nor Asuka had seen her at all for the past 3 days. Misato had been similarly scarce, leading to both perverted ideas and bruises for Touji Souzahara.  
It was unusual for Misato to disappear like this though, sure she had a high pressure job, but three days without beer? Shinji wasn't sure if Misato could manage the one.

Before long the end of day bell rang and Shinji absently moved over to Asuka, waiting for her to begin the tirade that usually accompanied their walk home together.

"And just what do you think you're doing third?"

"umm walking home with you Asuka?"

"Wrong, I'm going over to Hikari's, which means I don't have to put up with the pathetic excuse for speech that you call conversation"  
Hikari gave Shinji the apologetic look he'd been getting a lot lately, it said sorry Shinji but you know how she can be.  
Oh yes, Shinji deafently knew what Asuka was like; the volatile girl seemed to take a perverse pleasure in tormenting him, shouting at him one moment before being nice to him the next, and then, just when he thought he'd gotten through; shouting at him again.

'Well' Shinji mused to himself 'At least I can have a quiet uneventful evening for a change'  
Now you see that was Shinji's biggest mistake today, the universe had been happily pottering along not noticing the complete lack of misery and/or chaos in the young Ikari's life that day, however the words 'quiet' uneventful' and 'evening' used in the same sentence by said boy had attracted its attention. and boy was Shinji going to feel the burn.

Notes: I'm still alive in case anyone still cares.

I am sorry about the complete lack of anything resembling an update but things have been hectic lately, I should hopefully have the next chapter of Bad blood rising and Amber eyes up within a week or two.

Before anyone says anything, I know that definantly was misspelled; I don't know how to spell it and the computer's dictionary is convinced that it doesn't exist. Obvious solution would be to look it up in a REAL dictionary wouldn't it? Well guess what? I CAN'T FIND ONE! 


End file.
